Maybe the toughest of all to write about.

Our first few months were difficult. Worse than that, at times they felt impossible. The blissfulness of wanting a baby and actually having one were clearly 2 very different things. You weren’t easy. You wouldn’t take a bottle and I was left literally holding the baby! There wasn’t any let up, You were awake 3-4 times a night every single night for 6 months, you tested my patience to the limits. But already we could see your personality shining through. You smiled for the very first time at 3 weeks !! And you’ve not stopped smiling since !!

When you were 7 months old we had a crazy thought to take you on holiday, we went to France, La Rosiere with friends. For the first time since your birth I left you for more than an hour, it did us both good. You started to sleep through the night and frankly you’ve not stopped since. I had a new found love for you, my love grew and we really started to enjoy you. You were the happiest little girl. You were happy to have cuddles from anyone and even on the flights and very long bus journey (4 hours!) you were good as gold, my perfect little Pwincess !

The next few months went by so quickly and before I knew it I had plans in place to go back to work. We’d found the most amazing childminder for you and you seemed very happy with her. Beginning of April I went back to work, albeit working from home, whilst you went to the childminder. We missed you lots but you seemed happy and it worked.

Then the awful part of that year began. My dad (your grandad) got really ill. I took you with me to their house and the next month or so was a haze. I didn’t know who had you, I didn’t know if you’d been fed or were sleeping ok. I didn’t even ask. I detached myself from you so I could help look after him, so I could tell him all the things I’d wanted to say for so long. So I could try and absorb that he was letting go infront of my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. I took you in to see him a couple of times. He even smiled in his sleep when you slapped his forehead and I told you off.

He left us all and what he left behind was the biggest void that’s yet to be filled. I spiraled out of control. I didn’t believe your heart could physically hurt like that but mine did, I felt it break. I felt it break to beyond repair. He hadn’t just gone, he’d taken me, all that I was with him. Those moments after he went, more than anything, I wanted to go with him. I felt like that again and again. Who knows what may have happened. But then I came home to you. My beautiful little girl, oblivious to it all. Happily just getting on with it. You’ll never understand how indebted to you I am. How you raised me back up from the ashes, how you taught me to love again. How you made the worst year ever end on a better note. You needed me, I couldn’t go anywhere. With each day I was able to smile, even if just for a few seconds at your giggle or watching you sleep. But you gave me an escape each day and without realising it, your tiny shoulders were carrying the weight of the world it seemed but you handled it like only an angel could.

Physically your first year was actually quite funny. You weren’t in a hurry to go anywhere, no hurry at all. I think you get that from me, a bit of a laid back attitude but you get your determinism from your Dad, once you set your sights on doing something you get it done. By your first birthday you weren’t crawling, you weren’t walking, you only had 2 teeth and you were barely able to sit up on your own !! BUT you were talking, you were saying all sorts of things and we were in awe of your ever changing personality. We also had a few firsts, you had your first haircut just after your first birthday, it was a disaster, I’ve never cut it since but let’s just say bowl cut and little boy come to mind !!

Your blue eyes changed to hazel but your gorgeous porcelain skin remained, you turned into the cutest little girl that loved being cuddled and kissed and always gave back more than you go from everyone. Quite simply it was clear from your first year on this earth you were going to be someone amazing and we were and still are the proudest parents in the world and so very thankful to be a part of your life.