So here I am. I felt there was so much to say but it all boils down to the same thing now, you are my greatest supporter.

Everyone has one, it should be your partner, your spouse. So what if that person, your greatest supporter, isn’t supportive at all? For 10 years I believed wholeheartedly he didn’t say the things other boyfriends, fiancés and husbands said to their partners because he was shy like that because he felt it but didn’t know how to communicate. I had a tough realisation yesterday, he didn’t say those things because he didn’t feel them, he didn’t mean them. As ridiculous as this sounds I saw a Facebook post a husband of one of my friends had posted, it read: “Happy Mother’s Day to the most beautiful wife, mother and woman I know”. Accompanying it were many photos of my friend. It’s true, she is beautiful, truly inside and out. I sobbed when I read it. I didn’t have that. I didn’t have anyone that thought that, believed it, said it. I never would. No one in the whole world, billions of people, no one would ever say it to me. Why? I’ve thought about it a lot since and the overriding answer every time seems to be because I’m simply not. I can’t be, otherwise my greatest supporter would think it, say it. Instead I got told over and over “you’re not my mother”.

He’d be there during all the sleepless nights with the baby, he’d want to be there to make sure I was ok. He’d want to know I was ok. He’d want to cuddle me when the tears wouldn’t stop falling. He’d want to tell me I wasn’t alone and he was with me every step of the way. But he’s not and I am alone. I often fantasise about my own death, finally an end. This isn’t depression or mental health issues. This is me stuck with no way out.

I have 2 beautiful girls, I want them to grow up and be strong women. But here I am their role model, they’re better off without me. I can’t change things, I can’t change him no matter how hard I try. I can’t make him love me. He’s here wanting the picture perfect family and I’m here desperately needing love. His love.

I still feel terribly sad for widows, how lonely it must be to have had a great companion and then to have lost him and to be left by yourself. But now I see they were lucky, they had a companion.

It’s tough to win every little battle life throws at you without a supporter on your side.

Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of happy mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give.

Bertrand Russell