And just like that she was gone. It’s been 12 weeks today. I don’t know how I get through some days and others, shamelessly pass by as though it never happened. I never knew you could go from immense happiness over something trivial to sobbing uncontrollably. The nights are the hardest. I lay awake thinking of her. I lay awake thinking of all my failings and I’m drowning in my tears and sorrow. Then morning comes and I put my happy face on, I become mama to the girls I have with me and that role remains until the nighttime again. And so it goes on and on.

I failed her. I can physically feel my heart hurt when I read that. I see her everywhere. I’ve heard of people that symbolise their lost babies with butterflies or feathers. I’ve never symbolised them with anything. I didn’t want to. This time feels different, she was buried with a teddy bear. I was against burying her with anything but then when I saw her, they’d placed a tiny bear in her arms. She was hugging it, like she should have been hugging me. I couldn’t take it away. So now that’s her symbol, teddy bears. And they’re everywhere. I always buy teddy’s for newborns. I buy them for my earth side babies and now I see her in them all. She haunts me. I wonder who she could have been. Would she have been someone important? A political? A doctor? A nurse? Would she have been funny? Would I have babied her like I do her sisters? Who would she have looked like when she grew up? Did I take all that life she had to live away from her?

Complacent. That’s a word I would use to describe myself. I’ve found this year tough. I’ve struggled to face things head on, I’ve been complacent with my health for sure. I started off with so much, I fought and tried so hard. But then at some point the wind got knocked out me. I took my eye off it and before I knew it she was here, far too early. I should change but it’s made me even more complacent.

Lewis Capaldi summed it up beautifully.

So, before you go, was there something I could’ve said to make your heart beat better? If only I had known you had a storm to weather. So before you go, was there something I could’ve said to make it all stop hurting?

Was never the right time, whenever you called. Went little by little until there was nothing at all. Our every moment, I start to replay, but all I can think about is seeing that look on your face. When you hurt under the surface, like troubled water flowing cold. Well, time can heal but this won’t.